14: My mate Joel

I was 14, sat in the lunch hall one day when i heard that the new lad that had started at our school today had stood up in geography lesson and said "My name is Joel Watts, and i'm hard" What a twat, now every lad in the year that fancied their fighting skills had to prove him wrong. A couple of them did and even more tried and failed. I was blown away by both his audacity and stunning lack of forethought. What a twat. It didn't take very long for us to be lifelong pals.

I am writing this today because on the 17th August 2003 he passed away. 12 years ago. A long time now, but i still find myself thinking of phoning him or telling myself to remember to tell him some madness that recently occurred. While he was alive, he was normally the source of half of the madness and chaos with me being along for the ride with equal gusto, putting bad idea's into his head and encouraging his appetite for carnage and utter stupidity. I want to share some of those memories with you here. Some are funny, Some are sad. some are shameful and others are just plain stupid. I hope you enjoy them.

After having half of the schools hard nuts after him, Joel had to be inventive when it came to leaving school. Going out of the main gates was an obviously bad idea, but then again so was going out the back way, which meant walking past someones house who often kicked off with him. The lad that lived at this house was a year older than us but no match for joel. You see the problem was that this lad hung around with the hardest lad in our year, and keeping away from him was a big enough challenge. Kicking the living shit out his older mate would only exacerbate the situation. It was a gamble he took on a daily basis. I met him properly in Camp Hill when i was with some of my mates. Joel said he had heard i said he was a pussy. To put things into perpsective, he was clearly a foot taller then me. I had said that, but with the context of the hardest lads i knew. So just like typical chinese whispers for teenagers it had got twisted. I didn't deny it, in fact went as far as to cheekily say i would easily knock him out, with one arm behind my back, an eye patch and someone tickling my balls. It was a bold gamble by me, he could easily made me look very stupid in front of a dozen lads, but he took it how it was intended and pissed himself laughing. We all had a laugh and after no more than five minutes i had pulled him to one side and asked him if he wanted to do a burglary.

I have mentioned albeit briefly that i had committed a few burglaries as a wayward youth. This is where it started. We sloped off from the gang and walked a mile or two off the estate to where some posher houses were and formulated a plan. One of us would go to a house, knock the front door and ask for a made up person if anyone answered. If nobody was in....bingo. This plan worked quite well, until Joel thought it was high comedy to use my name. One of the houses we called at knew me and remembered this when they heard of local burglaries. Nice one Joel. Anyway we wasn't really any good at it, we only ever got a few big hauls and gave up after a couple of months.I am telling you all this because in those short few months we had to trust each other and this was where our friendship was founded.

We both loved the same music, along with our gang, Fast Eddie. Tyree Cooper, Public Enemy, EPMD, NWA, and would often spend a lazy day around Joels having dancing competitions in his front room. I used to cringe when i remembered that but we was young, 14/15 and enjoying ourselves. There was a girl that used to come up and visit her sister, who lived a few doors up. Marissa. Mixed race girl, and that is pretty much the only thing i remember about her, apart from this. It was the day before my 16th birthday and although i wasn't a virgin, i was yet to have my first blow job. Marissa was very sporting and offered to help me. It was strange watching a girl gag on my cock. Maybe i should have washed it, first?

I eventually ended up moving in with him and his dad in 1992 when i was 18. Joels dad was seeing a girl i knew from school, just 2 years above me. I would say lucky git but you didn't know her. You had to eat her sunday dinner quickly before the water from the inadequately drained vegetables turned your tinned new potatoes that had been deep fried and cheekily masquerading as roasties turned to a soggy pulp.

Me and joel used to go raving together, or him carrying my records into gigs for me so that people would think he was a dj, bless him. we set up our own raves, illegally of course. those stories will be in the main blog.

I  have been remembering some of the funniest things he said over the years, and seeing as we mostly laughed when together, i think this is the best way to remember him.

Mars bars had a promotion on where they were giving away 1,000,000 mars bars. You buy one, and inside the wrapper it tells you if you had won one. Joel bought a Mars bar and won. This is how the conversation went...

Joel; Fucking hell, i've won!
Me: Oh yeah....cool....
Joel; Jamie, I HAVE FUCKING WON!!
Me; Yeah mate, i know. well done. (?)
Joel wanders off muttering to himself; I can't believe it, i've won.... mumble mumble..
A few minutes later he comes back and says..
Joel; If i sell them for a penny each, i will make £10,000!
Me; Er...what? Do you think you have won a million Mars bars? What are they gonna do, rock up outside the flat with 3 truckloads of them and ask 'where d'ya want them, lads?'
Joel; Oh. are you sure?
Me; Yes. Very.

Me and my girlfriend at the time used to enjoy cheese. Not that foreign pseudo techno peddler,  Scooter, i mean your Edams, Caerphilly and so on. Every friday night we would have our mates round, listen to music, chat, drink beer and eat some cheese and crackers. Joel loved the cheese but never really went shopping so he asked me to get him a selection next time i went shopping, so i did. He came around to collect his cheese one day and i told him nearly got some of that cheese with the holes in but wasn't sure if he would like it. Joel told me to fuck off, he isn't in the mood for a wind up today. This confused me so i asked what he meant. He replied "i'm not thick, that cheese with holes in only exists in cartoons"

A few short ones.

Joel; I wish i was a paki
Me; Er....what?
Joel; I wish i was a paki, they eat really nice food.
Me;.......I don't think you have to change your ethnicity to enjoy the food, mate?

On working in a cake factory, where his role was placing cherries on top of cherry bakewells as they passed down a production line.. "it's alright, but it can get a bit boring sometimes"

In a sex shop
Joel; have you got any linguuuuur? (very long uuuur)
Shopkeeper:.............. any....?
Joel. Linguuuur...Sexy linguuuuur?
Shopkeeper: Do you mean lingerie?
Joel blank stare:...................
Me; Yes he does.

Off to town to buy his dads girlfriend a meatloaf cd for her birthday, and all the way there i kept saying malt loaf malt loaf malt loaf... trying to get it to stick in his head, and kept this up till he reached the counter, defiantly staring at me he casually asked for the new meat leaf cd. Success! he wasn't happy.

I have many more things floating around my head, but i shall leave it there for now. Rest In peace my friend, i hope you are sat eating mars bars and curry till it comes out of your ears.